It’s 5:30a, August 22 and I’m lying here wide awake while every other living creature in this house is snoozing peacefully. I’ve been up for about an hour now, after a very restful* five hours of sleep and I cannot shut my mind off.
Today is the day the invitations go out. Today is the day when, pardon my language, shit gets real.
Up until today, all the planning and deposit-laying-down and purchasing and scheming has felt like it was all towards an imaginary, almost hypothetical goal. I know that sounds weird, but that’s how it feels. While we have talking plenty of times with our friends and families about the plans and the day, today is the day when hundreds of other people get involved. The likelihood for fucking up becomes exponentially bigger today. And that’s what has me so freaked out.
I’ve spent most of the morning obsessively looking over the website I built in iWeb specifically for this. I’ve checked every spelling, every link… I’ve taken the RSVP survey (built in survey monkey) about forty times to make sure it behaves the way I want it to. I’ve been looking at the invitations (non-traditional mix CDs with the invitation info printed on the front) compulsively, making sure I didn’t misspell the website address (a particularly large phobia of mine at this moment).
Today is the day the nerves have really started to settle in and with them, the “wills.” Will I lose the ten pounds I need to make my dress fit properly again? I only have two months to do it and there’s a lot of wine between today and October 22…. Will people RSVP for more than I’m allowing? Will I totally forget some ultra-important detail (like getting two witnesses to sign the “yes, she’s available to get married” affidavit for the church) because I’m worried about a non-important detail like flowers? Speaking of, will my florist ever get me the paperwork she’s been promising for days? Will the ceremony programs I designed actually look like ass? Will our house get broken into while we are honeymooning? Will every single item on our gift registry become discontinued in the next two months (at this rate, they will… It’s a fucking daily occurrence)? Will my hairdresser flake out and double book himself (totally possible)? Will my hair ever grow out? Will the huge ugly fucking black construction tarp that is hanging in the center of my cathedral-beautiful church ever be removed??
I know these are all the not important things, well, except for the church affidavit. I’m actually not nervous about the important things: will I be a good wife? Will we keep magic in our relationship? Will we be a good team? The answer to all those questions is “yes, with work on each of our parts, yes.” I’m completely confident in our love and commitment for each other and our ability to work together and built a happy life.
Now if only I had that confidence in my hair stylist, I’d be asleep right now like any other sane person.