Tired

I am so tired of looking in the mirror and hating my body. I’m exhausted from looking at pictures and mourning the photo that “could have been” had I not ruined it with my lumpy, chubby self. I’m tired of needing to be the first one to make fun of myself and point out my flaws before anyone else can do it. I’m so tired of the majority of my thoughts and energy goes into criticizing myself and hating myself.

My wedding is just over two months away and all I can think about is how I already hate the photos (yes… the ones that haven’t been taken yet) because I’m just fat enough to ruin them. We have an engagement photo session available to us from our wedding photographer, but I’ve yet to schedule that shoot because, frankly, I think it’s a waste of time. I look terrible.

During this wedding planning, I’ve been a pain in the ass to my fiance about a few very particular things…. for instance, I lobbied hard to not have a First Dance. I kept saying I didn’t want to do that traditional moment because I thought it was cheesy, but really, I just don’t want anyone looking at me. I’m terrified that during those few minutes that I’m standing there on the dancefloor with Irish, my fiance, and all eyes are on us, that everyone is going to be thinking to themselves, “He could’ve done better… she’s quite the fatty bride.”

I hate eating in front of people. The only thing that I can think about is how the person that is seeing me eat is most likely thinking, “Why is she eating that? She certainly doesn’t need another meal.”

And yes, I know that all this is pretty irrational. But it’s the running narrative in my head. I wish there was a pill you could take to magically make you love yourself more, to accept how you are and make the best of it. I’ve spent thirty years hating how I look and worrying about what everyone else thinks of me, and frankly, I’m just tired of that.

 

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